Lament of a Lady "Gone to the Dogs"

There was a time, there really was,
When I was young and tender,
When "show dog" meant a Disney star
And "bitch" was not a gender.

I went to bed at half-past ten,
I went to church on Sunday,
On Saturday, I baked the beans
And did the wash on Monday.

But then, I got a certain pup,
An erstwhile friend said "Show!"
And, so I did, and so I do.
Oh, what I didn't know!

Once I dressed with flair and style;
That was the life - don't knock it!
Now every dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume.
I used to smell like Nuit d'Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom!

My furniture was haute decor,
My pets, a tank of guppies.
Now I've furniture that is unstuffed
And well-adjusted puppies.

I used to long for furs and jewels,
And a figure classed as "super."
But now the thing I long for most
Is a nice new pooper-scooper!

I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in the handler's tent.

While once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail,
I now am using language
That would turn a sailor pale.

I adored a man who murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners.
But now the words I thrill to hear
Are just three - "Best-of-Winners!"

I really love my doggy life;
I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that Best-in-Show,
I could maybe rearrange it.

And when my days on earth are done
I'll go without much nudging;
Just give me three weeks' closing time,
And let me know who's judging.

Anonymous

Still Learning

"How long have you been with dogs ? " I asked this old chap at the show
"Forty-odd years and more" he replied
"Then there's not much that you wouldn't know"

"I'm still learning" he said, "I'm still learning"
And it made me ponder a while
on those who know it all in three months
and I gave him a ghost of a smile

You could tell he's have none of the new-fangled
He was old-fashioned right down to the core
But I'll bet when judges gathered together
His name would rank up n the fore

He would have hunted and shot over dogs
Before most of us had been born
He'd sat with his dogs in the woods
And with them had scented the dawn

He's bred, shown, paraded and judged
He knew it all outside from in
"But I'm still learning" he said, "I'm still learning"
With his quiet, unobtrusive small grin

So all we ringside Johnny-come-latelys
All we experts who own just one pup
Remember that old guy's forty years of "still learning"
And for goodness's sake learn to shut up!

Why Own A Dog?

Why own a show dog? There's a danger you know.
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.

There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.

One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny,
the third one is easy, the forth one's a honey.

The fifth is delightful, the sixth one's a breeze.
You find you can live with a houseful, with ease.

So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy, but Lord, the hair!

With dogs on the sofa, and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother, you said.

They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and one more little crate?

The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty.
The floor is all footprints, the furniture's dusty.

The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few nose prints and a little more hair?

So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room.
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.

There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add.
The thought of a cutback, sure makes you feel sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The food bill grows larger, you owe the vet money.

Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
except other dog folks who live the same way.

Your lawn has now died and your shrubs are dead too,
Your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.

There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots
and entries and travel, and motels cost lots.

Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite comes up and climbs in your lap.

Her look says you're special and you know you will
keep all the critters in spite of the bill.

Some just for showing, and some just to breed,
and some just for loving, they all fill a need.

winter is a hassle, but the dogs love it true,
And they must have their walks tho' you are numb and blue.

Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
at the dogs on the sofa, who refuse to go out.

The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills
the work and the worry, the pleasure, the bills.

The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.

Your lifestyle has changed, things just won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so's the dog game.
Authors unknown